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Bad Day – Mother’s Day

What it's really like for prison wives on Mother's Day, and any bad day. The powerless life of a prison wife when it hurts.

Greetings, gentlemen and women all around the world. As Mothers’ Day approaches and the thought of my precious mother along with the thought of my lovely with and beautiful mothers of my children, I could not help but to dedicate a heartfelt essay from an Expository writing I’ve had with me for many years, yet never disposed of it because of its very dear and extremely profound meaning.

Additionally, after witnessing via the phone and visitation many of my co-recluses disrespect and demean their women, I beg of you to take this exposition into dear account and give your women the true value and respect they truly deserve.

And, for those of you who have refused to do the aforementioned, keep up the good work because you will be rewarded in due time, if not already, deal?

Today is a bad day.

I wish I could say that I’ve never had one before, but bad days consume my life.

I have no escape from them.

Today is a day I wonder.

Where is the support for us sisters in the struggle? What a man asks a woman to wait for him while he’s in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice that is? Does he realize that, yes, we’re in the struggle too?

When I made this choice to do this bid with my man, I didn’t know that it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life, not to my man, but to an institution. From the very beginning, my man told me I had the Power in the relationship? That I should take the lead because I was the one who was free.

How am I free?

What power do I have?

I buy my clothes according to what is acceptable for visits. At any time I can go where my heart desires, but my heart’s desire is trapped within that prison compound.

So where am I going?

I stalk the mailman and won’t leave the house until he comes; waiting for a white envelope with familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure it’s working, waiting to hear it ring and see unavailable appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch to the clocks in prison. I schedule my bedtime around COUNT.

No, I don’t have any power.

The phone company has the power. The mailman has the power. Corrlinks has the power. Father Time has the power. The prison and the guards, they have all the power. Today I feel helpless and out of control. Today is surely a bad day and yes, I am struggling too…

Today, like most bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that hasn’t come true.

One more day my family is separated.

One more day I am without a real home. I am so often standing in the line between sanity and insanity.

I have to keep telling myself, “he’s real, this is real, our love is real, and the end will come.”

Today when he called I had to fight the urge to beg him to come home.

“Please come home, if you really loved me, you would find a way.”

Today I blame him for keeping us apart.

Today I am so very angry with him.

Today is definitely a bad day and yes, I am struggling too…

A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock, or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes its course without warning or consideration for my mental state.

It never asks my permission… attacks of depression, despair, confusion and frustrations hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every crevice of my body in between. Some days I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. Sleep the years away. Some bad days I can’t even sleep or even eat.

Sometimes I even have to make my heart beat and lungs take in oxygen. Suicide is never a thought, but dying of loneliness is always, a possibility. Today I have no answers that make sense for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame.

How can I question the only real joy in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this ordeal is; I know that what he and I share is the most precious of all gifts.

But today I can’t remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today I can’t remember all that. My man is the only one who truly understands and accepts me, the good and the bad…

Today, I can’t remember all the passion that my man has brought out of me. Today I can’t remember that the sound of his voice can bring me to orgasm. Today I can’t remember that he plays no games, tells no lies, and wears our love like a badge of honor.

Today is obviously a bad day and yes, I am struggling too… while I wouldn’t change one second, erase one tear, or forget one heartache, I can truly understand why any woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too… I am also doing this time and the only thing I am guilty of is loving my man.

For ever one of us that stands by our men, that can endure the bad days and savor the good, there are many that can’t.

Many just don’t even try. To the men whose women choose to move on, I feel your pain but, you must always remember that there are always two sides to every story.

Your women might not always tell what’s in their hearts, but if you listen hard enough you can hear them. You can hear their confusion and fear pleading with you to understand, to forgive, to accept and to remember…

Not every woman is strong enough to endure the bad days the struggle brings!

To all of you men who know, have, or has had a woman in your life, please communicate with them and wish them a Happy and Blessed Mothers’ Day for eternity and beyond, deal?

Thank you dearly and many, many blessings.

Ernesto Cole

Love Is

What is true love in a relationship? What brings happiness, prosperity, and success? How can a relationship thrive?

Being happy for the other person when they are happy,
Being sad for the other person when they are sad.

Being together in good times and being together in bad times.

Love is the source of strength.

Being honest with yourself at all times,
Being honest with the other person at all times.

Telling, listening, respecting the truth and never pretending.

Love is the source of reality.

An understanding that is so complete that you feel as if you are a part of the other person.

Accepting the other person the way they are,
Not trying to change them to be someone else.

Love is a source of unity.
The freedom to pursue your own desires while sharing your experiences with the other person.

The growth of one individual alongside of, and together with the growth of another individual.

Love is the source of success.

The excitement of planning things together,
The excitement of doing things together.

Love is the source of the future.

Giving and taking in a daily situation,
Being patient with each other’s needs and desires.

Love is the source of sharing.

Ernesto Cole

The Art of Being Happy

How do you truly become happy? What is the secret to happiness? The Art of Being Happy - Truly Happy.

Happiness is the destiny of the human being. But remember—“It is not happiness in living, but in knowing how to live.” 

The human being has the inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness. With everything, accept your limits, because happiness is in limitation.

“Every human being searches for happiness and this is without exception.” Because of this, keep in mind—“happiness consists principally in loving what is.”

Happiness comes from within, it is up to us. There’s no one that could not cultivate a disposition to being happy if he or she wishes to do so.

To find it, look well. And look within. Because the problem is that, “frequently some of us look for happiness like when we’re looking for the eyeglasses when we have them right above our noses.”

I’ve noticed that each person is as happy as he or she wishes to be. In conclusion and deep down, happiness is nothing more than the continuous efforts to create happiness.

If you are not well, look for someone worse off than you and help him or her. You will both get better.

It is true—“We only make our happiness in being concerned with others happiness.”

Even to make our way towards happiness, always take the longest route.

It is insisted—“there’s no comparable satisfaction to that of making others happy.” Life is like a dice game. If they don’t fall the way we wanted, we must have the art to take the best advantage of how they fell.

And more so, happiness and misfortune ordinarily turn those beings who are already so.

To see without envy the fortune of others and with satisfaction common happiness, is to enjoy being blessed.

That is why, be good—“kindness towards everyone excusing their faults,” is the philosophical rock of happiness.

It’s a shame that we have created men that act like machines and machines that act like men.

Remember—“Pleasure is a mental state—happiness is a prolonged, cheerful state of mind, and more so—We are happy in the exact measure in which we know how to forget.”

Ernesto Cole

Formula To Happiness

Love until your heart smiles and until they say you're crazy - love truly and completely until you can't anymore.

Love, being happy is reduced to this.

Love without being afraid of exceeding yourself.

Love until your feet hurt.

Love even though everything else invites you not to.

Love everyday as if you are never to love again.

Love and be so happy that without showing it, it shows.

Love even if you’re not loved.

Love whom no one loves and everyone hates.

Love in any language, every being.

Love more those who love least.

Love until your heart smiles.

Love even though you think you’re getting nowhere. God is able to make something out of nothing.

Love until they say you’re crazy.

Love black Monday, Tuesday the 13th, Ash Wednesday, any Thursday, sour Friday, wonderful Saturday because only so will you also love Sunday of Resurrection.

Love because you may lose it all, but no one will ever be able to stop you from loving.

Love, and when you can no more, even when your heart is bleeding for your bother or sister, do not doubt it—continue to love!

Love who has nothing and no one will give him or her anything.

Love in the certainty that someone already loves you and will love you like you will never understand—until infinity!

Ernesto Cole


Learning self-control, emotions, anger - avoiding recividism, inmate release.

Greetings gentlemen. When I first met Mr Francisco Crespo a couple months ago, he had recently arrived at this facility and was speaking about this workshop project.

I immediately felt his positive vibrations and informed him that, although I was not short on my sentence and thus not eligible, I would definitely like to participate and try to benefit from it – therefore, here I am.

Now aside from benefiting from this workshop, I would also like to contribute to it by sharing an experience that has changed my life considerably for the better, and God willing, you may also benefit from it.

My name is Ernesto Cole, and I was born in Colon, Panama. I was raised in Boston, Massachusetts, and have lived in Washington, DC, several boroughs in New York City, and Miami, Florida.

When I was much younger – about 22 or 23 – and back in Panama, I was a troubled young man. I say troubled because I was indeed a true menace to society and many neighbors labeled me as just plain evil.

But I vehemently refute that assertion and side with my, then, psychiatrist’s diagnosis of me simply being a confused and traumatized young boy craving love, attention, acceptance, and understanding.

Anyway, allow me not to stray from the topic at hand and return to the purpose of me standing here before you. Once I was having a conversation with a wise, older man who was not blood related to me, but who I loved dearly and considered a father, may God bless his soul.


While in our conversations, I called over a guy I knew of about my age and asked him to go buy me a pack of cigarettes. when he returned with them, he had opened them and was smoking one of them without my permission.

I asked him who the f@%k (excuse my language) gave him permission to smoke a cigarette and he answered, “What the f@%k, you think I’m going to buy you cigarettes and not take one for myself?”

I immediately punched him in the chin and knocked him down.

My father just as soon grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me against the wall while saying, “What is wrong with you, huh? Why would you hit that boy?”

And I said to him, “What do you mean? Didn’t you hear how he spoke to me? He disrespected me and made me mad.”

My friend responded, surprised at me, “He made you mad?”

“Yeah, the damn fool made me mad!” I reiterated.

“Well, then,” he responded, “if he could make you mad, he could also make you happy, not so?”

I was confused by what he had just said and told him I didn’t know what he meant.

So he said it again this way: “If that so-called fool, as you just referred to him, could make you mad, he could also make you happy and thus control your emotions…

And you have the audacity to call yourself a man?”

And just walked away from me, leaving me more confused and thoughtful.

I’m not going to go into detail of what happened in my life subsequently, but I do wish I had paid more attention and adherence to those wise words – or I’m sure I would not be standing here right now.

Anyway, brethren, I know now exactly what my, now late, father was trying to tell me.

Son, allow no one or anything to alter your mood and demeanor in a negative way. Be a true man by simply always controlling your emotions. It may be easier said than done, but the more you practice doing so with positive thoughts, words, and actions, the easier and more fruitful it becomes.

Thank you for your attention comrades!

Ernesto Cole

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