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Communication
Wow! As I was reading a very good book based on making, or should I say helping, individuals on achieving more effective relationships through certain habits, I came across something I try to practice faithfully and preach constantly… the art of communication.
And since the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People seems much more articulate than I, I will thus use his words and interject them with some of mine in an attempt to further such a message, cool?
Right now you are reading this essay I’ve written, right?
Well, reading and writing are both forms of communication.
So are speaking and listening.
In fact, these are the four basic types of communication.
Now think of all the hours we spend doing at least one of them.
The ability to do them well is absolutely critical to being effective in communicating and influencing others, for the better, of course.
Communication is the most important skill in life.
We spend most of our waking hours communicating.
But let’s consider the following: we’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak properly.
But what about listening?
What training or education have we had that enables us to listen so that we really understand another human being from his/her own frame of reference of perspective?
I’ve dealt with lots of very well-educated individuals, yet their listening skills are incredibly poor and, at times, non-existent.
If we really want to interact effectively with someone, to influence them, you spouse, co-worker, supervisor, friend… we must first understand them or at least make the attempt.
But we cannot do so by just speaking. Most people, if they sense you’re just using some kind of speaking technique, will sense duplicity, manipulation, or what I term verbal jujitsu.
They will wonder why you’re doing it, what are your motives, and will not feel safe enough to open up to you.
The real key to influence others for the better is through our example, our actual conduct. The example flows naturally out of our character or the kind of person we truly are. And to do this, we must understand the individual we seek to influence. And to do so, we must first listen, then understand them, and subsequently make ourselves understood and have the intent we seek to impart.
Most of us do not listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the sole intent to reply and have the spotlight shining on us. We are either speaking or preparing to speak. We’re filtering everything through our own model, reading our opinion to others.
If we have a problem with someone, a family member, an authority figure, a co-worker, the attitude is, “that person just doesn’t understand.”
That’s the case with so many of us. We’re filled with our own rightness and pride. We want to be understood and our conversations tend to become effective monologues, and we never really understand what’s going on with the other person.
When another person speaks, we’re usually listening at one of four levels. We may be ignoring the person, not listening at all. We may practice pretending, “yeah, uh-huh., right.”
We may act like selective listeners hearing only certain parts of the conversation. Or we may even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing on the words being said. But very few of us practice the fifth level, emphatic (from empathy) listening.
When I say emphatic listening, I’m not referring to the techniques of active or reflective listening, which basically involves mimicking what another person says. That kind of listening is skill based, truncated from character and relationships, and often insults those listened to in such way.
Again, when I say emphatic listening, I mean listening with the intent to understand. Seeking first to understand, to truly understand. It is an entirely different mental shift. Emphatic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it. You see the world the way they see it. You understand how they feel and what they may be going through.
Emphatic listening involves much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the words that are being said. Communications experts estimate, in fact, that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language.
In emphatic listening, you listen with your ears, but also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You sense, you intuit, you feel. It is powerful because it gives you accurate data to consider.
When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological respect. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problems solving.
Therefore, beloved comrades, that psychological respect, which is the fruit of truly listening, impacts communication in ways you cannot imagine in every area of life… let’s give it a try, deal?
Ernesto Cole
10 Secret Tips of Elite Changers
1 Developing Commitment — Wanting to make positive changes is very different from doing what it takes to make those changes.
The majority of us (if not all) want to succeed in this endeavor, as is evident by enrolling in this captivating program, therefore, I could positively assume we are willing and committed to make the necessary sacrifices, become ego-aware with hard work, and dedicated lots of our time and conscious energy to succeed.
That is why only a few are successful at the elite level.
Success must go beyond status quo.
The commitment is what’s going to help us constantly deliver results. This fortitude of character and strength of will is a quality that could be acquired by us all and become elite in our endeavor of change to help us overcome obstacles and beat the odds.
We can generate true commitment through small changes, setting achievable and practical goals one after another.
2. Visualization — Our actions follow our thoughts. This speaks not only to the power of positive thinking and self-belief, but also to the power of visualizing our success.
Studies have shown (and are still showing) that visualization produces the same muscle action as physical activity—the brain gets trained for activity through mental processes.
In many studies, those who use visualization alone improve their skill as much as those actually practicing the skill.
Amazing, don’t you think?
Many athletes use visualization to help them develop and solidify skills and practice their routines before a big event.
Likewise, we can use visualization to help us achieve our goals of not allowing the ego to decide on our behalf.
When practicing visualization, sit or lie in a comfortable position in a place with little or no distractions. Engage as many of your senses as you can, making an image as vivid as possible. See yourself not just achieving your goal of dominating your ego/negative thought, but enjoying the feeling.
Adding just five or ten minutes of daily visualization can help us achieve tremendous progress. Successful people have a tendency to see their future and then live it to existence.
3. Working With Fear — Everyone experiences fear. What will set us apart is our ability to feel that emotion but work toward our goal regardless.
We will not succumb to the inner critic, entertain limiting beliefs, nor negative individuals.
Fear will be a challenge for us, not a threat or defeat, and defeat merely an opportunity for learning we may fall/fail at times but will refuse to stay down. In order for us to succeed, we must take the risk of seeming soft and to take this risk, we must embrace fear and failure.
But guess what? Our desire to succeed will be greater than our fears. Let’s not over-analyze what we’re doing. Let’s just immerse ourselves in the process and “JUST DO IT!”
There are many methods of working with fear and embracing failure. One such method is asking ourselves: “so what?”
What happens if I fail/fall and look soft?
The reality is never as scary as our imagination suggests, and it’s likely that if we did fail/fall, we will learn from it, become stronger, evolve, grow, and do it better next time around.
Additionally, if we did fail/fall, our loved ones (nor ourselves) are not going to laugh at us for attempting the right thing. Life will go on and we will have other chances.
If we do not make our goal of losing X amount of pounds by Y time, the world will not end and we can continue to make progress, right?
Fear is a False Evidence Appearing Real and when learning to recognize when fear is trying to make us small, we will be able to acknowledge it and respectfully continue working toward our goals.
4. Affirmation and Personal Belief — If you let it, doubt can destroy your intentions. We act in accordance with our own self-image, so is paramount for committed change seekers to believe in their own ability and right to succeed.
It is very common in interviews to hear Olympians and world-class athletes talk about their assurance about their ability to win. When you fail to believe in yourself, you create limits to your success.
You must believe to achieve!
Using positive affirmations is an excellent way to work toward self-confidence, self-belief, and owning your deserving happiness and success.
Try to replace your negative self-talk and criticisms with believable positive statements. You can also try creating a mantra you can say to yourself every morning and evening and in times of doubt. I believe that any successful person, including the elite athletes and performers, must dedicate time and energy to work through limiting beliefs.
If you want to achieve the goal of becoming a much more positive individual, you may need to do the same. In addition to plausible positive affirmations and mantras, a journaling practice, can be very helpful.
5. Cultivate Focus — Committed to chance individuals are highly focused on their goals and do not allow for distractions.
Most things come secondary to their goal, purpose, and intent that they create a lifestyle and support system to further their achievement. They have positive a one-track mind and are focused solely on becoming the best persons they can be.
With endless possibilities and opportunities available to us in this environment and all the daily distractions, it can be easy to lose focus on what matters most to us. Let’s take the time to reflect and clarify what it is we desire, what we will need to succeed, the action steps we will need to take, what we may need from others, and what (or who) we will need to give up in order to succeed.
Clarity creates focus, which breeds success.
6. Look For Support — I find it hard to believe of or encounter a committed changer without the help/support of a mentor/coach. Looking for and finding one is the next step to an elite level of change.
A mentor/coach will provide you with direction, advice, and a clear, intelligently constructed behavior program. Mentors/coaches are able to watch and follow your behavior and provide feedback you are unable to provide for yourself.
When you are feeling unmotivated or down, and most of us tend to at times, a mentor/coach is there to keep you accountable. Here in Edgefield are many programs with facilitators that would be more than happy to supply you with assistance.
I can personally vouch for the staff in the Psychology Department, the chapel, and many facilitators of those programs.
7. Practice What You Preach — It is fairly easy to speak nicely and positive, but success comes from the practice, practice, practice aspect of your words.
Whether you dislike putting your ego in check, seeming soft, or feeling disrespected, you must practice what you preach and put a positive perspective on any and all situations that arise if you truly wish to succeed in becoming an elite changer.
Remember, there is what happens and there is what perspective we put on it. We always have a choice and it is up to us (and not the situations or ego) to make it, feel me?
8. Always Keep Learning — Let today’s mistakes be tomorrow’s progress. Committed changers are always developing and honing their skills. The more they know and understand their mentalities, bodies, and egos, the better positive perspective they can give a situation and be much more likely to succeed.
Therefore, let’s read books of self-help and ways to better ourselves every chance we get. If our financial situation is a little tight, the Psychology Dept. and chapel are full of books and videos that can make our time worthwhile in visiting those departments.
9. Hone Your Nutrition and Activity Game — Committed changers know the necessity of a healthy body for the proper function of the mind, thus, they assure themselves a balanced nutrition filled with lots of the most vital nutrient available, water, and an active lifestyle.
Most importantly, proper nutrition is paramount to the success of a healthy endeavor and to succeed as a committed changer, it should not be overlooked. Combine the aspect of a balanced nutrition coupled with clean water and an active lifestyle, and you’re bound to experience successful results in that respect.
10. Create Goal-Supportive Habits — Habits are said to be the things we do without thought, right?
If it is so, the more we can convert to a healthy nutrition and fitness, the controlling/taming of the ego, the clean/respectful usage of speech and thought, the good intentions, and the demonstration of gratitude for the simplest of things, the less willpower we shall require in the future to stay positive and do right.
For the committed changer, following these aforementioned practices of healthy nutrition, working on skill development, visualization… all become habits over long periods of practice and are then logged into their subconscious, and, consequently, they do not spend time or energy thinking about doing the right thing: It’s a given!
In conclusion, comrades, while not all of us may make it to the elite level of changing (or may even want to), we can still benefit dearly from incorporating the practices of those who have… If only to become beneficiaries of the much-alluded-to and acclaimed Law of Attraction!
Success is a wonderful journey, gentlemen, not a destination or goal!
Thank you dearly for your time and attention, and, as always, God bless!
Ernesto Cole
Life
May your life be full of:
Enthusiasm so you may see ahead.
Happiness to keep you joyful.
Problems to keep you strong.
Grief to keep you human.
Hope to keep you happy.
Failures to keep you humble.
Triumph to keep you eager.
Wealth to satisfy your needs.
Faith to banish depression.
Decision to make every day better than yesterday!
Ernesto Cole
The Best
Good is to have leftovers.
And better is to have the needed.
Good is to enjoy life.
And better yet to know it.
Good is to be helped.
And better to triumph alone.
Good is to know how to speak.
And better to know to keep quiet.
Good is the right company.
But it’s better to be alone.
Good is to live without having to work.
But better is to have it.
Good is to be applauded.
But better is for your flaws to be pointed.
Good is to be free.
But better is the “enslavement” of the honest man.
Good is to become big.
But better yet to remain a child.
Good is to be loved.
But better for you to love!
Ernesto Cole
Head Keeper-Uppers
Don’t let life discourage you. Everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
When you stop striving to get better, you get worse.
You only fail when you never try.
Whatever your lot in life, build something on it.
The only limitations we have are those we acknowledge. Life is a feast, don’t starve yourself.
Don’t plan to fail by failing to plan.
Measure twice, cut once.
Focus on making things better, not bigger.
Live your life in exclamation, not an explanation.
Don’t be something—be someone.
As you go through life, never try to prove yourself—improve yourself.
By the work, one knows the workman.
When the chips are down, yell, “Bingo!”
When life hands you lemons—make lemonade.
Make a home in your heart for the truth and the truth will bring you home.
None are so empty as those that are full of themselves.
Ernesto Cole
Get Involved Anyway
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered—love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives—do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies—succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow—do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable—be honest and frank anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs—fight for the underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight—build anyway.
People really need help, but then may attack you if you help them—help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you could get kicked in the teeth—give the world the best you have anyway.
And then remember, someday every loose end will be tied up, every good will be noted, every book will be balanced—you will get what you have given, even more.
Ernesto Cole
Don’t Break the Elastic
In April, May Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70th birthday.
Maya really is a marvel who has led quite an interesting and exciting life.
Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was “exciting.”
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day, like her breasts. “They seem to be in a race to see which one will reach her waist first.”
The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple an honest woman, with so much wisdom with her words.
I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands — you need to be able to throw something back.
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Ernesto Cole
Practice, Practice, Practice!
On a page I was going through, I came across a particular query that has had me thinking and thus, the reason for this essay—since I tend to think better when writing. The question in mention is: Have you ever asked yourself what is your purpose?
Well, the reason this question has affected me so much is because as a foolish youngster, I was quick to respond to it and say proudly that my purpose in life was to be a “thug” till death do me part. And since I did not plan on living very long, it seemed very simple and true to me at the time.
Fortunately, that is no longer my purpose and I have now committed myself on a 180 degree turn around and can now much more proudly and unequivocally say that my new purpose in life is to be at peace and content with myself, others, and surroundings.
Those that know me from the past may say: “he’s just saying that now because he’s in prison serving a couple of life sentences and more, and has no other choice.”
Well, to those naysayers I simply respond that is not the case, since prison is an ideal place to continue being a “thug” since one is surrounded by so many, if not the majority. So, yes, I do have a choice. Not only that, but from the moment I was arrested, I had the option to continue being a “thug,” and get a sweet deal, but chose not to.
Additionally, during my incarceration, the temptations have been many, since vices like drugs, alcohol, gambling, and opportunities to commit immoral and delinquent acts are plentiful. Hence, I thank God for helping me make the right choices and not allowing me to succumb and fall deeper in disgrace.
Now with the aforementioned being clarified, allow me to manifest how I plan to achieve my new purpose.
When this course began, I recited a very personal essay about an experience I had many years ago that finally caught up with me and transformed my life considerably for the better. In that essay, I alluded to how I allowed another person’s action affect and dictate my emotions in a negative way. Then how a very wise, older friend, whom I have since considered a father figure, God bless his soul, gave me one of the best—if not the best, advice I’ve ever received.
In essence this is what he advised me: “Son, under no circumstances allow anything or anyone to affect your emotions in a negative way. Once you allow that you cease control of your emotions and could no longer consider yourself a true man.”
Sure enough, due to my immaturity, ignorance, foolish pride, and ego, I chose not to understand him, did not adhere to his advice, and refused to follow through. Luckily for me, through very harsh occurrences (which were mostly brought about by my ego and foolish pride), many personal experiences, and not so personal experiences—I believe I have found my purpose in life to live at peace and be content with myself, others, and my surroundings.
I credit this accomplishment by seeing and treating life as a game or sporting event. Yes, gentlemen, I now see life as a game and my goal is not only to win, but also to enjoy the journey to its fullest.
Allow me now to explain my analogy between life and a game and how I plan to win. As a kid growing up and participating in various organized sporting events, I was always encouraged and obligated by the coaches to practice, practice, practice. And in that way, make myself a better athlete.
If the sport were basketball—I had to practice my ball handling, passing, shooting, free throws, layups, and so forth.
If it were baseball—I had to train in batting, catching, throwing, sliding, and other things.
If it were soccer—I definitely had to exercise dribbling to get past defenders, passing and receiving the ball, positioning and anticipating where the ball was going, my heading on the ball, and an array of other things to better myself and be successful in the competition.
Now that you most likely get where I’m coming from, in my game of life, I encourage and discipline myself to do the same—practice, practice, practice.
I practice the things that I feel will help me succeed and accomplish my purpose in life by doing the following: I meditate and reflect alone with frequency because it is in true solitude that I really identify and find myself.
I try my best to always think, speak, and act positively—practice the ancient discipline of yoga, along with its eight different branches to help keep me grounded and firm in my purpose.
I try to read good, entertaining fiction and non-fiction books, and when a self-help book falls into my lap, I devour its contents as well.
I challenge my mind constantly by doing very challenging numbered puzzles (sodukus), try to stay away from gossip—and if it finds me, treat it positively and minimally.
I try to socialize only with positive individuals—and when a negative one appears in my path—I run like hell! 🙂
I do my best not to tell lies, and if it’s necessary for one, I prefer to keep my mouth shut.
I try to keep myself, thoughts, and few belongings as organized and compartmentalized as possible. If I have something pending, I follow my dear mother’s advice to do it immediately without procrastination. And if there is nothing I can do about it—I do exactly that—nothing. And when I say nothing, I mean not even worry about it.
I exercise my body in a very intense manner and in doing so, prepare my heart to utilize its oxygen much more efficiently so that my resting heart rate becomes lower and can deal with pumping my blood more adequately—and in this manner, deal much better with stress.
When things do not go my way, I do not take it personal and I accept the fact that it could always have been worse to soften the impact.
I try to never jump to conclusions or make assumptions, since in the past I was wrong most of the times, if not always.
If there is anything I can do for someone less fortunate then I do so without thinking it twice.
I try to be very understanding, respectful, and considerate of others—procure not to engage in arguments or heated discussions, since they rarely, if ever, conduce to anything positive.
If for some reason I come across something that does not belong to me, I return it immediately. And if it is a borrowed item, try to take better care of it than if it were my own.
I also try to always be appreciative and truly say “thank you” for any assistance I receive, no matter how small. And I also make it my duty to never, ever, give bad advice, no matter how tempting.
Dear comrades, although there may be other practices I engage in to reach and accomplish my purpose in life, they seem to have escaped my thoughts for now. But I could not end this section without saying last but never least—a day does not go by without me getting on my knees and thanking the Lord for all my blessings and asking Him for more. Something that those who know me from the past would find extremely difficult to believe, but that is truly the case.
At this moment, my dear friends, please do not misinterpret the aforementioned and think that through such practices I aim to be perfect—never that. But it does imply that when I do “mess up,” I can be humble enough to accept it, learn from it, make amends and therefore, reduce my errors and live a much better and purposeful life.
After this very personal account on how I practice to win in my game of life, I would like to conclude that my aim is not to garner sympathy, praise, nor even your scorn, but simply to encourage all of the participants that have already taken the first step in this beautiful course to continue making the necessary changes in ourselves to be better men, simple as that.
PS—if in the future, we may cross paths and you see that I am not following through on these practices, please call it to my attention—it will be dearly appreciated.
Thank you for your attention and God bless.
Ernesto Cole
The Waterbearer
The Waterbearer
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was mad.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?
That’s because I have always known about your flaws, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you’ve watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be beauty to grace the house.”
Moral – Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots.
But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You’ve just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
Blessings to all my crackpot friends.
Ernesto Cole
Emotions
Greetings gentlemen. When I first met Mr Francisco Crespo a couple months ago, he had recently arrived at this facility and was speaking about this workshop project.
I immediately felt his positive vibrations and informed him that, although I was not short on my sentence and thus not eligible, I would definitely like to participate and try to benefit from it – therefore, here I am.
Now aside from benefiting from this workshop, I would also like to contribute to it by sharing an experience that has changed my life considerably for the better, and God willing, you may also benefit from it.
My name is Ernesto Cole, and I was born in Colon, Panama. I was raised in Boston, Massachusetts, and have lived in Washington, DC, several boroughs in New York City, and Miami, Florida.
When I was much younger – about 22 or 23 – and back in Panama, I was a troubled young man. I say troubled because I was indeed a true menace to society and many neighbors labeled me as just plain evil.
But I vehemently refute that assertion and side with my, then, psychiatrist’s diagnosis of me simply being a confused and traumatized young boy craving love, attention, acceptance, and understanding.
Anyway, allow me not to stray from the topic at hand and return to the purpose of me standing here before you. Once I was having a conversation with a wise, older man who was not blood related to me, but who I loved dearly and considered a father, may God bless his soul.
While in our conversations, I called over a guy I knew of about my age and asked him to go buy me a pack of cigarettes. when he returned with them, he had opened them and was smoking one of them without my permission.
I asked him who the f@%k (excuse my language) gave him permission to smoke a cigarette and he answered, “What the f@%k, you think I’m going to buy you cigarettes and not take one for myself?”
I immediately punched him in the chin and knocked him down.
My father just as soon grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me against the wall while saying, “What is wrong with you, huh? Why would you hit that boy?”
And I said to him, “What do you mean? Didn’t you hear how he spoke to me? He disrespected me and made me mad.”
My friend responded, surprised at me, “He made you mad?”
“Yeah, the damn fool made me mad!” I reiterated.
“Well, then,” he responded, “if he could make you mad, he could also make you happy, not so?”
I was confused by what he had just said and told him I didn’t know what he meant.
So he said it again this way: “If that so-called fool, as you just referred to him, could make you mad, he could also make you happy and thus control your emotions…
And you have the audacity to call yourself a man?”
And just walked away from me, leaving me more confused and thoughtful.
I’m not going to go into detail of what happened in my life subsequently, but I do wish I had paid more attention and adherence to those wise words – or I’m sure I would not be standing here right now.
Anyway, brethren, I know now exactly what my, now late, father was trying to tell me.
Son, allow no one or anything to alter your mood and demeanor in a negative way. Be a true man by simply always controlling your emotions. It may be easier said than done, but the more you practice doing so with positive thoughts, words, and actions, the easier and more fruitful it becomes.
Thank you for your attention comrades!
Ernesto Cole
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